A few months ago, my dear friend Rachel posted something about depression on her blog. It really struck a chord with me because as many of you know, I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 14 years old.
Anyway, she shared a couple of pictures and a link from a post about what it feels like to be depressed by Hyperbole and a Half. I wanted to share them as well because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. As a small warning, the post I’m linking to has some language and is very long. But, I highly recommend it if you want to know what depression feels like. It’s very accurate, at least for how I feel/have felt.


Why did I share this? Because right now, I’m severely depressed. I feel like I’ve regressed a lot. Last year, I know I did when I stopped following my healthy lifestyle and let other things get in the way of that. And, then when Cassie passed away a week and a half ago, I was thrown into a downward spiral. I’m just waiting to crash and burn. I want to try to stop it before it goes that far … if I can.
Logically, I know I shouldn’t be this depressed. I know I got to have Cassie for 13.5 years! That’s 13.5 years more than I could have had him. I know he’s better off where he is. I know he’s happy and he’s not suffering. I know I’ll see him again. Those reasons should be enough to make me happy, right?
Emotionally, however, it’s a completely different story. I’m feeling all kinds of different things. I keep wondering why he had to die so young. (I know 13.5 isn’t “young” but it is when you realize that some cats live to be 20.) I also keep wondering why my time with him was cut short, why I can’t have him back, why he had to get sick in the first place, etc. I also feel abandoned by some family and some friends who don’t seem to understand the gravity of my devastation.
I know I should be able to just get over my depression and move on. I know I should be able to be happy. But, I can’t. At least I don’t know how to with this kind of depression and heartache. Even though I’d wish this pain on no one, I’m glad Corey is feeling the same way so I don’t have to go through it alone like I’ve had to do with my depression for most of my life.
I want to be back to my old self again. I want to care about things. I want to have the energy and gumption to get up and do something other than the mundane (work, school, TV). I want to be able to put forth the effort into becoming healthy again. I know I felt better when I was. I want to enjoy life again. But, all that seems so far away and hard to do right now.
I guess I just need to remember that most people in my situation don’t even want to change and at least I do. That’s a step in the right direction. In the words of Bob from What About Bob?: “Baby steps to [getting healthy again].”